I drank the beers quickly.
The basketball court was up on a hill, surrounded by empty fields.
I was incredibly excited. In the message I’d sent, I had said everything that had been going on inside me. Being this honest meant I would win them back.
I was standing in the middle of the basketball court. I closed my eyes and imagined holding them. I could still feel their warmth. And I loved the warmth I felt.
There were so many stars in the sky. The warmth of the air, the soft little breeze…
With the slight drunkenness, I could feel the pain I’d been carrying for days starting to ease.
I had said, “I don’t want to talk to you anymore,” and regretted it. I had said, “I’m deleting your number,” and still found my way back to them somehow. And they responded harshly to this behavior, setting the clearest boundary possible.
If they were to come back now and say, “Let’s talk, let’s make up,” they’d be doing the exact same thing they had criticized me for.
Which one would win, their ego or their heart?
Block, unblock, block again. They don’t know what to do either, I kept telling myself.
But I had sent them a message with all my heart. So they wouldn’t have to struggle with those thoughts, I had said everything that needed to be said for both of us.
I had mobilized every possible word just to make them take one step.
The last time I called, a few days ago, the phone had rung. Now, after the message I’d sent, midnight was about to come. I was going to call, and they were going to answer. I believed it with my entire being.
I couldn’t stand still. I turned up the music on my speaker, dancing and playing basketball at the same time.
Then, finally, midnight came.
I called. It didn’t ring.
They had blocked me.
How was that possible? It had rung just two days earlier.
Had they not seen my message? Or had they seen it and then blocked me?
The dancing, the music, the basketball—
It all stopped.
I started screaming and crying at the top of my lungs.
I dropped to my knees.
I had no strength left to stand.
I rested my head on the ground.
Inside me, my heart was burning.
This wasn’t just crying. It was a scream.
I looked up at the stars and asked for help.
Was my heart a toy to them? Why were they doing this to me?
What would happen if they answered just once, if we talked and worked it out? What would happen?
That kind, sweet, giving, talkative, energetic person…
Why did they turn into the cruelest person in the world when it came to me?
I was burning.
I had completely lost it.
I lay on the basketball court, sobbing.
This hadn’t worked either.
Even my deepest, most honest words hadn’t made a difference.
I was being rejected.
No matter what I said, they wouldn’t soften at all.
For a long time, in the darkness of the night…
I cried for myself, for them, for us.
A few days later, I noticed that they had viewed my LinkedIn profile anonymously.
Even though their name was hidden, the logo of the company they worked for was visible.
The moment I realized it, I felt happy. They weren’t playing it straight, I thought.
Then I wondered, Maybe they wanted to see if the things I told them were true? Maybe they looked because they were thinking, ‘who is this person that won’t leave me alone?’
And one evening, I called them again.
This time, it was ringing. But they still didn’t answer.
That was the first moment I thought, What are they trying to do? What does any of this mean? I don’t understand anything. And I’m just so tired now. Is this some kind of game? I’m stepping back.
After deciding to forget them, I thought all my pain would go away.
I was wrong.
The real fire hadn’t even started yet.