For me, them unblocking my number meant that everything was finally going to be okay.
They still had me blocked on WhatsApp, but I was sure they’d unblock me there too. I just had to find the right words.
The next day, I sent them a message, “We once talked about how the negative things people go through are what make them special. Something like that. I think what I felt when I hugged you, and couldn’t say out loud, was what made me try this hard for someone. Maybe one day I’ll tell you too. Everything is fine, but I don’t want to accept that you’re not here. I could choose to give up on you, but I don’t want to choose that. There’s this feeling inside me telling me there’s still more for us to experience together. I’m following that feeling.”
After sending the message, I called. They didn’t pick up.
The moment I had a chance to reach them, I couldn’t stop myself.
They were on my mind every second.
I could feel them down to every cell in my body. And I desired them with every cell of my body.
I was sure they felt me too. There could be no other explanation for what I was experiencing.
I couldn’t tell whether I was on the ground or in the sky. I felt them so intensely that it physically hurt.
Whatever this was between us, it held me captive.
My body was going numb. I couldn’t escape.
When I called again, they didn’t pick up. I called once more. This time, they had blocked me.
A week went by like this. I called, I texted. They blocked me. A few days later, they would unblock me, then block me again. Without ever answering the phone.
If they didn’t want me, why were they unblocking me?
And if they were unblocking me, why weren’t they answering?
Them blocking me was the best option for me.
I was crying. I was really hurt. But whenever I saw an open door, I thought we were going to make up. And I just couldn’t bear it not happening anymore.
What was I supposed to do? I was ready to do whatever it took.
No matter who I told, they wouldn’t have understood. The only person who could understand me was them.
There was an unfinished story. I just wanted to fix everything.
I could never forget the moment I hugged them.
At the end of that week, one evening, I wrote to them, “I really wanted to sort things out before too much time passed between us. There are things that hurt me too, but me saying ‘let’s just stop talking‘ was childish.
Even though I never wanted to lose you, I’m trying my best after saying that. There’s a really high energy between us. It makes me feel you. But I realize this lack of communication is hurting me now. I don’t understand how something I promised I wouldn’t do again has dragged on this long. Not getting an answer from you isn’t doing me any good anymore.
I just wanted us to talk, to try to understand each other, and to protect what’s between us. While also owning my mistake and not repeating it. What we experienced when we met was so special to me. I would’ve loved to experience it again. But I’m getting nothing back from you. We could actually solve this just by talking.
I’m going to play basketball now. I’ll call you around midnight to make up. If it were up to me, we should jump straight to the next level from here. But you pulling away this much, not trusting me… it’s exhausting. If we could solve this with just me trying, fine, but we can’t. It’s just block, unblock, block again. Is that really a way to communicate?
I really like you. If you could just lower your walls a little for me… let’s get out of this together. I hope you answer the phone, because I don’t think we should lose this. You have such a strong energy. I actually feel it throughout the day. And I know you feel mine too. Pick up the phone, okay?
Maybe we should appreciate the rare things when we find them. I’d even say we should just be together already.
(That same thing would never, ever happen again. It wouldn’t have anyway. I think I just lost my balance a bit. We can talk about that separately though).”
For the first time in days, I felt happy.
I had said everything that had been going on inside me.
With my headphones on, and an incredible mix of hope and excitement inside me, I bought two beers and headed toward the basketball court.