For years, I had felt something missing inside me.
So I was searching.
Even without knowing what exactly was missing, I kept searching.
To fill it.
Maybe it would be a person.
A place.
Something to do.
Something to have.
I believed one of them would be the answer.
The moment I first met them, it felt like a celebration began inside me, right in my heart.
I had no real reason to love them.
Not even ten seconds had passed.
But my heart completely melted for them.
I had always felt like a stranger to the world, to everyone.
But in that moment, with them, it was as if we existed right at the center of the universe together.
I always felt the need to protect myself from people.
My heart, my emotions, my body.
But when I first met them, protecting myself didn’t even cross my mind.
The moment we first hugged, it felt as if my existence was sealed with theirs.
Right now, in this moment, I feel so good beside this sweet person I’m holding. I feel whole.
This is it. See? This is what you’ve been searching for all these years. That emptiness is gone. I’m complete with this incredible being, I told myself.
But that happiness lasted only four days.
We met in person twice, back to back.
And two days after our last meeting, it was over.
Was it really going to be this short?
I had just turned thirty.
I had never felt anything like this before.
Was my time to experience this wonderful feeling really just four days?
If it was going to be this short, why did they even come into my life?
And on top of that, I was being punished as if I were the only one to blame.
I had just decided to be compassionate with myself.
But that didn’t mean I didn’t want them back, did it?
They had spoken to me so harshly on the phone and then blocked me.
But I couldn’t even be angry.
I just wanted to feel their warmth again.
So I sent a message, “Hi. Since you didn’t let me explain myself on the phone, I want to write to you here.
I told you about my birth story. I get triggered when I feel neglected. I met you right at a time when I was realizing this and trying to heal.
But when I felt so intensely about you, everything got mixed up. By the way, even when you get angry on the phone, you sound so sweet.
I might have even been charmed by it, sorry. I hope you keep the gift I got you. Thank you for everything.”
How much more vulnerable, how much more exposed could I have been?
Should I have said, I’m begging you, please come back. I don’t want to be without you. I can’t lose you now that I’ve found you. There are no words in this world for what you made me feel?
No. That wasn’t it.
While trying to win them back, I was trying to hold my head high as much as I could.
They didn’t reply to that message either.
Two days later, I went to a friend’s house to look after their dog.
This was the place where our first messages had begun.
I had sent them videos of me with the dog.
“You are so full of love. And your love language is kissing. You keep kissing the dog,” they had said.
Now I was in that same house again, lying curled up with my friend’s dog.
“Do you think their heart will soften? What do you say?” I asked, as if confiding in it.
It just looked at me with innocent eyes.
Then, suddenly, I felt the urge to call them.
Yes!
The phone was ringing.
It rang, and rang, and rang…
No answer.
But they had unblocked me.
I knew it. They wanted me too.
I started smiling.
Okay. Now I can take a deep breath, I said to myself.
We’re starting again.
12
Coming soon…