I missed them so much that my heart would race.
I’m ready for all the excitement we’ll experience together, I kept telling myself.
I kept writing—nonstop.
The things I couldn’t say to them, the things I wanted to say…
I wrote down everything that was overflowing from inside me.
Whenever I felt stuck, writing was my breath.
So every day, I wrote about them on paper, everywhere.
The heart palpitations, the numbness in my body, and the unexplained excitement I experienced every day…
Then their voice in my mind.
Eventually, I would start crying.
Where was this story going?
Living through this cycle every single day.
Everything that made me who I was was burning away.
I had stopped trying to reach them.
I had decided to forget them.
So why couldn’t I still break free?
Why was I the one going through this?
As if everything I experienced during the day wasn’t enough, I was with them in my dreams at night, too.
But the dreams were always beautiful.
We would talk at length, telling each other everything we never got to say. Or I would dream of them texting me.
That was why, on mornings after I dreamed, I would wake up happy, if only for a moment.
All of this was telling me one thing, We will reunite soon.
I was certain that everything I was experiencing was a sign of this.
What other explanation could there possibly be for everything I was going through?
I could hear them in my mind, “Not much longer. Don’t worry. I’m coming. We’ll meet.”
Even my own inner voice had become much louder.
Once, it even said, “Don’t check whether your number is still blocked. Just let it flow. Otherwise, everything will fall apart.”
I listened to that voice and stopped checking.
I started writing down the repeating numbers I kept seeing on the clock, along with whatever I was thinking or doing at those moments.
They weren’t with me all day, but I was with them.
Every second. Every minute.
Now I understood. I was never going to forget them.
I had accepted it.
One day… I was dancing in a basement with music playing from my speaker.
Music and dance.
They were my only light in all this darkness.
After the song I chose, an unfamiliar song came on. The song had an opening that felt like it could carry anyone away from this world. Within the first few seconds, I surrendered to it and closed my eyes.
My body followed where the song was taking me.
Behind my closed eyes, I saw us in our brightest form. We were dancing in an open space, holding each other tightly.
Their presence echoed through every part of my body.
Could this really not be real?
Because I was there with them, with every part of my being.
It felt so good that I smiled.
I was flying through the entire song.
It was real happiness. It was a real union.
For ten minutes, I danced with my eyes closed, completely immersed in us.
When the song ended, I felt lighter.
So what was the name of the song that had taken me to that unique utopia where we were together?
I checked immediately.
Rüfüs Du Sol – Innerbloom.
Its name meant ‘inner blossoming, expansion of the soul.’
In the lyrics, it spoke about,
Waiting for an innocent love.
Fading into dreams.
Wanting to be free. Giving everything.
Moments that never happened in reality, yet felt completely real in the mind.
At the end, If you want me. If you need me. I’m yours.
I was crying.
This song that had taken me to them described exactly what I was feeling.
Excitedly, I played it again.
A synchronicity like this had only strengthened my hope for a reunion.
The dance ended.
The song ended.
Again, I felt that same powerful desire for them inside me.
I followed this desire.
I placed one hand right in the middle of my chest.
I was burning again.
And my other hand was between my legs. My hand had found a rhythm there.
With small, rhythmic movements, I was applying a gentle pressure.
I closed my eyes.
This time, I was guiding the fantasy.
We were in a bedroom.
We were loving each other passionately.
I was kissing them, covering their neck with kisses.
With the intense rush of touching them, of feeling them, I orgasmed.
When I checked, I saw that once again, there was no physical fluid.
I wasn’t even at home, but I couldn’t stop myself.
The orgasm was so intense that afterward, my body felt the need to tremble or move.
It was as if this orgasm had balanced me.
I felt calmer.
And with all of this happening, I couldn’t wait to see them.
With everything so vivid, I knew.
We were going to reunite very soon.
The voice I heard in my mind kept saying the same thing.
I wanted to tell them about everything I was going through.
I was being torn apart by the question that never left my mind every day, How am I ever going to find that perfect warmth I felt when I held them again?
I was sure I wouldn’t find it.
This wounded me to my core.
And I had no other choice but to reach the source of that warmth.